Is there something like “100% pure Russian”?

Honestly, no Russian is completely of Russian origin.

“Russian” means coming from the ranks or Rus, an ancient gang of Viking warriors living off slave trade to the old Byzantine Empire. They were few, and got assimilated by Eastern Slav tribes without leaving a trace.

Then the Slavs, wise from lessons taught by the Vikings, started to go deep in the thick of Eurasian forests hunting high and low for Ugro-Finnish people to be sold as slaves to Greeks and Arabs and Persians. Many of us got distracted in the process, and got settled as mere peaceful farmers with our blond Finnish wives.

Then the Mongols came, and showed us how to build empires and kill and maim anyone who resists like there is no tomorrow.

Then the Turks came, and gave us their delicious fatty foods and colorful clothes, and we fought together against the hoity-toity Poles and bloody-minded Crimeans, and they gave us the large slanted eyes and protruding cheekbones because they knew the future fashion model headhunters would die for these.

Then the Europeans came, and taught us how to use make-up and pick the right clothes and use the right words to become top picks on Tinder and poolside parties in Santa Monica, LA.

After that came Jews with their tasty kitchen and science brains and catchy pop tunes, and Germans with their expert knowledge of spinning tales of national greatness… you get the picture, don’t you?

And quite recently, for some unknown reason, we got some nitwits in our midst who got a strange idea of finding out the degree of Russian-ness for everyone of us, and call this nation-building. It smells and looks bad, but we’re stuck with these morons for some time.

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